The following article was published as a part of The Seminole’s 2014 April Fool’s issue! The information, quotations, and other content is completely fictitious and should not be considered a true representation of the school, the administration, or other governing entities.
The American experiment, more than 200 years in, is failing.
Our government spends too much money and our people, by and large, make too little. Our once impeccable moral rectitude is fading as our jails are filled to the brim with the miscreants and rapscallions of all ages. We outspend the rest of the world in critical military purchases, yet seem to be losing our touch when it comes to liberating other countries from their oppressive regimes and bringing them to the light of democracy and capitalism. Our kids are fat and lazy, our voters are old and out of touch, and we can’t even keep the lights on at our most iconic sporting events.
“It’s sad,” says junior Kelly Abbott. “We’re really witnessing an end of an era, and as an American, it saddens me.”
America is truly the sick old man of North America. So where can we find a hopeful youth to support us in our old age in the manner we’re accustomed to?
Enter Canada.
Canada possesses a youthful vitality and energy that America sorely needs. Their economy is growing—Canada’s GDP grew by an unexpectedly high 2% in 2013—and their leaders are charismatic and lovable. We’ve been allies since the dawn of time, and our borders are already fairly open for travel. A marriage between Canada and the United States is completely natural, and Canada won’t even get cold feet at the wedding thanks to their winter boots.
Sophomore Brian Soaree commented, “Canada seems like it knows what it’s doing. I like the idea of letting them help out here in America.”
It is so imperative that this union occurs that if I were American leadership, I would be willing to take Canada’s name in the marriage. We’ve demonstrated year after year that the US cannot fix the problems that it has created for itself—it’s time to give new management a try.
There are indirect benefits to Canadian ownership of the US as well, benefits that should make the staunchest of American apologists an avowed hoser sympathizer. For example, parts of Canada maintain a state monopoly on beer. The higher prices from government control of the beer industry could discourage drinking and thereby reduce DUI instances. Getting annexed by Canada could literally save lives.
Furthermore, hidden by record profits and unparalleled popularity, America’s National Football League is slowly dying due to concerns about head injuries sustained playing the sport. The Canadian Football League has the answers: Canadian football is played on a bigger field than American football, and more space for players to roam means fewer collisions between players. That’s just math.
It’s clear that America needs help, and our northern neighbors have the answers to our problems. It’s time to give this “O Canada” thing a try—American lives depend on it, eh.