The following article was published as a part of The Seminole’s 2014 April Fool’s issue! The information, quotations, and other content is completely fictitious and should not be considered a true representation of the school, the administration, or other governing entities.

As the race for national superiority heats up, a clear distinction is being made between the original, innovative nation of America and its copycat of a neighbor country, Canada, in both worldwide presence and government ideologies. As an international leader, it is the US’s duty and responsibility to help second-rate countries. What does this mean in terms of America’s relations with Canada? Nothing other than the complete annexation of Canada by America could save such a primitive country.

Successful assimilation of a completely different culture that has no regard to how modern society functions is not new to the US. The Native Americans are a prime example of integration of new and innovative ideas to a society that can’t distinguish between McDonalds and Burger King.

Senior Amberly Thompson said, “Primitive people like the Canadians barely have the right to call themselves sane if they can’t tell the difference between the Whopper and the Big Mac.”

America’s responsibility as the greatest country of all time is to overtake inferior countries like Canada. By assimilating our exceptional culture with Canada’s insipid one, we can introduce the uncivilized Canadians to all-American delicacies, such as Popeye’s Louisiana Cuisine and all-you-can-eat breakfast buffets.

Freshman Ashton Fletcher commented, “As a Canadian, I think that this is a great idea! I’ve always wanted to live the American Dream of waking up to the scent of fresh lemonade and grabbing my rifle to go out for a hunt in the woods.”

Also, the presence of two or more languages in Canada creates violent discord between belligerent Canadians. Our great nation, after annexing Canada, will promote unity between citizens of all sorts. The first step being sharing a common language, and thus, a common culture. The fragmented nation of Canada will be held together by the universal dialects of Southern American English, which will be so benevolently provided by the United States.

It is frequently argued that Canadians don’t have the same rights that Americans do. According to junior Norman Fitzpatrick, “Canada is not a democracy! We don’t even have the freedom to marry our first cousins!”

Furthermore, the annexation of Canada brings advantages in terms of regulation of citizens. It is common knowledge that it is easier for a government to govern nations that are in close contact with each other. Not only will this give America better control and communication over Alaska, but this will also bring Canada under a much more effective system of ruling as well.

For those doubting America’s obvious legitimacy, just take a look at the different healthcare systems. History has proven time and time again that better health care is synonymous to a better economy. The World Health Organization did an assessment of the quality of different healthcare systems in which America was ranked number one in a list of over 100 first world countries, including Canada.
Simply put, Canada needs America. There’s no way getting around this simple and candid fact. America is the supreme, leading nation whose manifest destiny is to guide their ignorant counterparts to a better tomorrow.